As I sit back and reflect on how far I have come, I still find myself choked up in many situations. I’ve tried to suppress the traumas because dealing with them would require me to become vulnerable, which was not something that I was prepared to do. My inability to be honest with myself caused more pain and anxiety; I was carrying weight so heavy because it was easier than accepting the truth. Being cheated on hurts, and it is a normal emotion to feel.
I remember the first time that time stings the most. I began to develop insecurities that I never knew I had, questioning myself what could have done better. Looking at the other woman’s pictures comparing trying to find any flaw to boost my esteem a little. Unraveling everything wrong with me instead of accepting that my partner is not who I wanted them to be.
It is challenging to walk away from a situation when your heart is involved. Knowing better yet still staying because of all the promises that reality proves cant be kept. I used to believe that things would get better; they would begin to fight for us like I had been doing one day. Unfortunately, that never happens, and if and when it does, the damage done is already too bad.
Choosing to walk away is never easy; somedays I wish I stayed. Having to unlearn all the toxic behaviors initially causes so much mental and physical pain that it doesn’t seem worth it. I began blaming myself for it all, mainly because children are involved; that hostile critic is a battle in itself. On top of everything, my trust was so broken I was trying to deal with it all alone.
It is hard to speak up; society is so wicked that others use our struggles to distract from dealing with their own mess. It is easy to say I don’t care what people say until they start talking. When pretending that we’re so solid and untouchable, we begin to believe it. All it takes is one trigger, and our actions begin to reflect the resentment that we’ve suppressed all this time.
I’m learning that it is ok to be hurt, and I understand that love doesn’t hurt. It was challenging because I vested so much time for what seemed like nothing. I know that I have a big heart and acknowledge that being cheated on wasn’t my fault. I will no longer take responsibility for another adult’s incapacity to commit. Cheating is a choice; he knew the damage that it would cause. I now understand that he just never cared, setting myself free.
I loved it! So many young people need to hear this. It’s confirmation that we experience some of the same things and that we can’t believe the FALSE narrative that we aren’t enough. Thank you for being a beacon of light.
-Eric