Let IT Out!

Today I wanted to cry not because of anything that has happened or done to me but because of the overwhelming emotion we face daily as human beings. The guilt behind this feeling often becomes debilitating, wanting to talk but fearing the absence of support. I pray for the feeling to go away, but I continue to suppress it because of my inability to regulate it. Today was the morning I reflected on my current story, not for sympathy but to be reminded of the strength I often forget. I made it here, but how?

Like many of us, many things have occurred in my life over the last few months. To some, these things don’t weigh in heavily. For me, that’s not the case. I’m still learning, but I have added three additional individuals to my responsibility list, and I feel I’m coming up short. Support systems have broken, and empathy is nonexistent, leaving sorrow heavy, but somehow we are expected to keep pushing. There is so much we leave out on mental health and wellness; I’m refusing to stay silent. Suffering is bad enough, and I am tired of doing it alone.

I am so thankful for those who take the time to listen and understand the ones who don’t because I know we each have a battle. I am overwhelmed with life and its trials and pretending everything is okay. I want to cry because I don’t know what else to do. I want freedom from the prison of my bad habits. To be freed from the unrealistic expectation of having it all together, vulnerability is nothing without a story behind it. So when you see me crying, I am not weak; I am letting go of the overwhelming emotion that’s taking over me.

It has taken a lot to get here; I was desperate for a change, willing to give anything from feeling to thinking this way. I am eager to assist when it comes to helping others; it provides validity to my experience of this mental mess. It has become easier to accept self-reflection when someone tells me how much my talking enabled them. I try to be the support I wish I had; lately, it has been hard for me, if I’m honest. I feel guilty because I need help I’m drowning in my problems.

Asking and admitting that I don’t have all the answers has been good and bad for me. I am my worst critic, and I never cut myself slack because I am scared to put that trust in someone having my back. Where do I go from here? The feelings are overwhelming, and sometimes I wish I had someone to listen and tell me… I am enough. Those rough days aren’t ever easy, no matter the narrative society gives. A reminder that the stress and pain are temporary; sometimes, I forget. I am human!