I felt myself falling this time deep down. I’m still shocked and in disbelief at everything that has happened. I blame myself for not knowing it was this bad because I promised myself this mental pain would stop with me; I failed. I knew the darkness was over them, and I did everything I could to pull them out; it’s this part of journeys that I am not ready to accept. We can all look back and say I should have done this, but that’s not good enough because we didn’t, and we must move forward because the damage is already done.
I constantly find myself struggling with being mindful and in tune with the moment because that’s where gratitude is rooted, yet the anxiety from life causes this simple task not to be so simple. There is this picture in my home that I have hung up repeatedly, and somehow it doesn’t seem to hold its place. I have tried command stips, gorilla glue, you name it, but somehow, my efforts have become unsuccessful. It wasn’t until today that I had the thought to take a moment to observe the picture. When I read the words, I found myself reevaluating every word struggling to remember the last time we modeled the behavior in my household. It has certainly been a while.
God is unique and has innovative ways to grasp our attention if we listen, but I’m hard-headed and like to figure everything out independently. I often find myself sorting threw things until I can no longer do it anymore; then, I will seek guidance from God. I have it all wrong because it is easier to fall out of faith than into it. Why do we complicate our lives more than we need to? Why is it so much easier to think of everything that can go wrong than to have faith that things will turn around for the better? The nature of negativity is rooted so deep into our history; that it is an instinct, we all have. I’m learning that every prayer I have ever prayed has been answered, no matter what the outcome turned out to be.
I am not okay, and that is perfectly okay! I’m tired of pretending and being the strong one, running away from the emotions trying to be released. I’ve been practicing this skill of letting one go with my children, and I believe it’s time I practice what I preach. The objective of this skill is to work on self-awareness with their emotions. It allows them to release either words or feelings, so they’re not overwhelmed on the inside. As a parent, I am always looking for ways to be better, often forgetting to separate reality from my narrative of perfect. This life we live is hard, and yes, I am falling deep down, but it is only to pick up the version of me that I keep running from and forgetting.