Wait… Was It Me?

We all reach a point in our healing journey where we are desperate for the answers to why this process is so complex and sitting in the uncomfortable feeling of being alone. Those emotions begin to take over our perspective and life as a whole, and we often fail to notice how it has happened. It is far easier to place the responsibility for our hurt on others. Although sometimes others are the reason we are hurting, it is not their responsibility; how we internalize the effects of their behaviors, only the action itself.

Do we continue to move forward as victims, or do we finally say enough is enough and begin to dissect our behaviors and the roles we play in our progress and growth? For years I have battled with this overwhelming feeling of being betrayed and alone. I couldn’t grasp where it began or why I felt this way, but I know it was a belief that I had down to my core. It could be from childhood trauma that I’ve suppressed so profoundly that the wall is still there or even from the shyness of my personality, causing the absence of healthy boundaries as I was scared to speak up for myself. Whatever the reason, I know it has taken a drastic toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally and now I know it is something that I can do about that.

While feeling alone and as if I had been doing life alone, I failed to realize that most of that was a choice I unintentionally made for myself. Isolation is easy and protects you from obvious downfalls and making mistakes in life in the presence of an audience. I didn’t realize that I was giving my depression a place to live and that I allowed those thoughts and what could have been temporary feelings to find a long-term residence. I still don’t know where it all began, and it is some digging into that pain that I must do to finally face some of the most complicated chapters in my life to make peace with all that has happened. I think I deserve that much.

Trust is another thing I find myself struggling with; I penalize everyone as a response to something a single individual’s negative behavior has broken, which is not fair. I don’t accept love and compassion not because I don’t feel worthy of it but rather because my inability to set those healthy boundaries allowed unhealthy relationships into my life for longer than I deserved. My perspective on normal and healthy seems foreign, and I find myself in isolation. My comfort is there, and my depression thrives, but I still feel hopeless and unworthy. It is my fault I don’t take risks, it is my fault that I keep running in the same circle, and if I don’t work through all that has broken me, it will be my fault that I feel this same way tomorrow. For so long, I felt sick, not noticing everything I was bottling up into my body. Each undiagnosed illness was a natural reaction to negative self-talk and bottled-up emotions. Positive affirmations are great, but it is useless until I begin working on how my nervous system responds to feeling unsafe.

Where do I start? This strategy didn’t formulate overnight; how can I trust others when I no longer trust myself? I struggle to make decisions because I’m scared of failing, but how do I understand that failures are a part of life when my entire life has been set on being perfect and put together? How do I overcome the loss of relationships because of my depression? I believe it is by changing the narrative of my perspective and understanding that those things that happened were impactful, and it was okay to feel those feelings, but now is the time to let it all go and move forward. I will do it for me; will you do it For YOU?

“Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.”