Jealous

Some days are harder to deal with many of the emotions I experience, the feeling of being out of place and just unhappy. I always try to fuel myself with the things that bring satisfaction; I’m learning it is not as easy as one may believe. I’m very jealous, but not in a way that most people associate the word with; I admire a charismatic woman; it is a trait that I lack.

The nature of jealously and envy is so toxic; I used to lie to myself because those were two words I didn’t want to be associated with my character. The more I tried to sway away from it, the more I began to possess those traits. I started self-sabotaging everything because of the image that I held for myself, believing that everyone felt that exact way about me too.

Complements are complicated for me to accept, constantly believing that the motive is ill, so I hesitate to respond. It’s not about being naive but the ability to identify and recognize who I am. Somewhere I lost myself and formed this disconnect. The narrative that I created for my own life has caused me to become too fearful of being vulnerable with everyone, including myself.

Fake smiles are easy to wear; when facing the person staring back at you in the mirror, that’s where problems arise. When reality sinks in, you stare at yourself, and all you can do is break down. I often had to wipe my tears, replace the mask, and pretend that everything was ok. I always tell myself that other people have it worse, dimming my light even more.

I don’t like being a person who always seems strong and has had their life together; it sets the standard of wellness too high. Many days I feel weak, struggle with a lack of motivation. So often, I find myself winging it to get by, so I notice my guilt when I hear, ” you’re doing so good.” especially when I was on the way to giving up. So yes, I am jealous that I don’t feel like the person everyone sees.